We love Paris, Robert more so than I. He’d studied modern languages at university. Living in France as a student was very formative. He nearly became a Moonie, experienced loneliness as never before, learnt to ski, sang in a band in a folk festival, became fluent in the French language, grieved his father’s untimely death.
As a family we’d had wonderful French camping holidays. Robert and I had had several memorable visits to Paris.
“As soon as we’ve settled in Sheffield, we’ll go to Paris,” we agreed. Eurostar was so accessible from Highgate. Sheffield was over two hours from St Pancras Station, altogether less convenient. But never mind!
There was no need for any rush in Paris. We’d pre-ordered tickets for Versailles, the Musée D’Orsay and the Louvre, so no wearisome queues. Versailles was sprawling and opulent, the art galleries and museums overwhelming but satisfying, and a Sunday morning service in Notre Dame (note: untouched by flames at this point – see photo above) was worth a visit. We enjoyed being together.
The evening of our 35th wedding anniversary we prayed together, thanking God for one another, and thanking him for our friends over 35 years, bringing them into God’s presence as we did so. That took quite a long time.
“I’m so happy,” I told Robert. We knew we’d been blessed by God. This trip to Paris felt like a special treat.
Two nights later, our daughter met us at the station. Robert talked animatedly about Paris all the way home. It was late in the evening, but surprisingly, our daughter got out of the car to give us a hug before taking herself home. 10 hours later, Robert was dead. This final loving conversation with her dad was a gift for our daughter.
To be in Paris was probably what Robert would have chosen had he known these were his last days. In the tribute I read at his thanksgiving service I shared how much our time in Paris captured many of the values he held dear.
- He was a European, especially appreciating France and Germany.
- He knew how it was to be lonely in a foreign country. He always looked out for the interests of the international students he taught.
- He loved music, film, theatre, opera, poetry, literature, art, beauty, colour and simplicity. He enjoyed talking with others about these things, exploring ideas. Paris stimulated his mind, imagination and emotions.
- He couldn’t wait to leave the palace of Versailles. Historically it stood for the oppression of power over the powerless. He cared deeply about issues of injustice.
- He was an optimist and was looking forward to our new life in Sheffield. In Paris we’d talked about his hopes of exercising his ministry as a priest in Sheffield. He loved Jesus Christ profoundly and longed to equip others to deepen their Christian faith or to come to know him for the first time.
- He loved people, his family, his friends, and me most of all. Paris was a gift to Robert. I am left with very, very happy memories.
Many people have commented on how lucky we were to have this time together in Paris – some sort of preparatory or compensatory gift. Some have added that it was a gift from God. I sort of agree with them but that almost makes it seem as though his death justifies the Paris trip. Or maybe it explains his death, as though it was the planned final lap of our marriage.
Was this a gift from God? Had God planned all this? Why wasn’t I warned that these were the last days of our lives together? Would I have appreciated them more if I had known?! Could one even say that the lack of a warning, the suddenness of his death, was a gift in itself?! This does my head in!! The idea of a gift might be true but….
The early, sorrow-filled days after Robert’s death were troubled by the idea of ‘Paris as a gift’. I did feel grateful… BUT I DID NOT WANT TO FEEL GRATEFUL!!! I grew up to say “thank you” for presents I was given. What was there to say “Thank you” to God for? (I’m writing this on 19th May 2019.)
This is a work in progress ….
I know God’s mind is unfathomable, yet he invites us to wonder and to strive to know him more deeply. I know Robert is with Christ. I know my story is unique. But, in my grief, I want to know more…I want to know whether Robert is asleep, ‘disembodiedly’ conscious or has already received his resurrection body.
Writing the Sudden death…then what? blog over many months has channelled my thinking. Many people haven’t thought about this, so I’m sharing my embryonic conclusions about resurrection bodies, eternity, life – plus reflections on the specific impact of sudden death… Some of my questions have found answers!
Sudden death... then what? 
Hi Ro. So glad to hear from you. Did you see my comment on fb re your first blog? I had just the day before read an article by NT Wright about resurrection and the first thing he says is that Jesus is the only one so far to have a resurrection body. The rest of us will have to wait. I put a link to that article on fb. I also suggested you look at blogs by other people who have lost their life partner like the broadcaster Simon Thomas or the NI pastor Alain Emerson who lost his wife after only 22 months of marriage. His book is called ‘Luminous Dark’ and is profoundly theological (pub Muddy Pearl, £12.99). Secondly, yes, many people have experienced the ‘gift’ of a lovely time together just before someone dies, but of course that is absolutely no compensation for losing them. It is perhaps something to say when one is at a loss as to how best to show one’s sympathy. Grief is a long and winding path full of anger, exhaustion and sweet memories. Don’t try to rush it.
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